afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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