theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
