I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm like, not good at living.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
