Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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