I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
