I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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