You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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