I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
