He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
