I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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