can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
