u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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