the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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