I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
