Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
