God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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