I cannot find my penis.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
