im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
