i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
