i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize