i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
