he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
