I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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