the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize