My sheets look like a crime scene.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
