The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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