Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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