If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my being single is dangerous.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
