1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
