He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
