My sheets look like a crime scene.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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