he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
