All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
