gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
