the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
