im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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