I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize