I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize