Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
