Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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