I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
