Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
