He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize