The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
