my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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