I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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