My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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