If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
