I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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