He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
