Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
