I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
