Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
