i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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