Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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