She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
