seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
