Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
not ubering you a puppy
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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