Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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