Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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