She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
