she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
