I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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